Introspection

It has been two long years since I last wrote anything for this blog. And looking at my personal (handwritten) journal, it has been two years as well since my last entry. Why did I stop writing? Why did I stop spilling out my emotions, not even in private?

It is the start of 2018. And this time, I think I am ready to face the truth.

During my hiatus, I have made excuses in my mind. “I’m too busy. There are just so many things happening. I am adjusting to my new life in my new job.” Etc., etc., etc. But the reality – the hard, cold truth is this: I just wanted to escape. I couldn’t write about my feelings, I couldn’t write about my reality because I did not want to admit that at 30+ years old, my life isn’t what I thought it would be.

I didn’t want to face the reality that here I am – still uncertain about everything that is going on with my life. Everything is still murky. The future is a faraway blur.

The past two years, I have gone through so much. So much emotions. So much pain. And yet, so much joy, too. I am changed. And yet I remain the same.

Do I like what I have become? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. I am working on it. And today, I decided to brush off the dust, square my shoulders and start to face my reality.

HERE I AM. HERE IS MY REALITY. I am nowhere near my dreams and goals. I am in a non-relationship, and yet I stay in it. I am weirdly happy, but discontented. I am at peace, and yet I get agitated often.

The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night, crying from a bad dream. They were dry, heaving sobs, and I felt unbearably sad. But I have no idea what my dream was about. It dawned on me how sad I can get. How I can manage to go off into the dark, sink into a depression, and just let go. And I knew right then and there, that I had to be honest to myself. I cannot keep on burying this sadness in me. I have to face it head-on. Put it out there, let it go out to the world, so it doesn’t pull me down.

So I decided to go back to my first love: writing. I admit, I have not practiced writing in a while. Sure, I’ve written a short story here and there. A poem or two. But I know that I have lost the HEART in my writing. So, today I decided to take that back. Take back that part of myself that is soft, and tender, and hopeful. I am going to revisit the Me that I have buried so resolutely in the past two years. I will open myself up to the Universe again. I will feel again. I will set myself free again.

So, hang on, dear self. It will be a bumpy ride. It will be painful, it will be abrasive. But in the end, it will also be a rebirth for me. And maybe, just maybe – in the process of rediscovering writing, I will also rediscover myself.

 

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Plot Twist

Just when you thought you had everything figured out – you get hit out of nowhere with something that you never once thought would be a Truth in your life.

In denial, in shock, all emotions rolled into one.

But still I stay.
Still I love.

There is no way else to be.

The Unknown

Sometimes, you think you’ve seen it all. Sometimes, you think you’ve gone through every possible loving emotion there is. And then a simple gesture, a quiet sentence grabs at you – and you fall all over again – tumbling head over heels, no footholds, just the dizzyingly wondrous journey of falling into the unknown.

Sometimes, you meet a guy who does this for you, and you know. You just know, that yes, maybe, just maybe, Love still exists in this cold, hard world.

Tuesday Thank You’s

Another day, another promise to create more blog entries, and to write in more than just 140-character lines. I think I can start by resurrecting my Tuesday Thank You’s weekly post. I haven’t been as thankful as I want to be, there are so many things to celebrate and be happy for right now. ❤ So, here goes nothing:

  1. Friends. For every job switch, I gain a new set of friends. They make insane days bearable, and boring days insane.
  2. Words. I have so much love for the written word. I’ve been updating my journal quite regularly. Been motivating myself to write more poetry. How awesome to create something out of random dots in space.
  3. Life’s Little Surprises. This needs a proper blog entry, but I need to thank the Universe for always giving me these little surprises that make life so magical.

Let’s start with 3. Honestly, I can’t wait to get started on that entry about life’s little surprises. ❤

Hello, 2015

The latter part of 2014 was not so good, but 2015 promises to be something interesting at the very least.
I never thought that I could dream again, believe again, hope again. But here I am. Although everything is still up in the air, the promise of something makes every morning a little bit brighter, a little bit more exciting.

This is an adventure, I intend to jump into it with eyes wide shut.

So hello, 2015, be nice to me. Make it magical this year.

Re-birth

A couple of weeks ago, I “celebrated” my Rebirthday. It’s a private date for me, no one’s ever found out about it, but it was the exact date when I had the worst heartbreak of my life.

I used to be this girl who believed in fairy tales and ever afters. I used to believe in destiny and knowing for a fact that someone is meant for you, that you will find that someone who will be your Forever.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m not that girl anymore. Not as naive anymore, not as wide-eyed. I remember wanting to hold on to the idealism, to the romance of it all. But somehow, over the years, it just slipped away. Maybe now, I have more realistic expectations, more grounded dreams.

I know now that Forever does not necessarily have to happen in one lifetime. Maybe, you find The One in your next life, or the life after that. Or maybe you did already, and now you’re just waiting to find him again.

I guess now, there really isn’t any room for that One Epic Love. Maybe that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe all you can hope for is to find that one person you can share the same interests with. Find that one person you have MAD CHEMISTRY with. Find that person who makes you act like a loony in random moments. Maybe you don’t need GRAND gestures, or a life-changing moment. Maybe you just have to find that someone who makes you laugh endlessly.

Maybe you just need to find that person who you know is yours with everything that you are. And knowing that you are his too, with everything that he is.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s more than enough.