It has been two long years since I last wrote anything for this blog. And looking at my personal (handwritten) journal, it has been two years as well since my last entry. Why did I stop writing? Why did I stop spilling out my emotions, not even in private?
It is the start of 2018. And this time, I think I am ready to face the truth.
During my hiatus, I have made excuses in my mind. “I’m too busy. There are just so many things happening. I am adjusting to my new life in my new job.” Etc., etc., etc. But the reality – the hard, cold truth is this: I just wanted to escape. I couldn’t write about my feelings, I couldn’t write about my reality because I did not want to admit that at 30+ years old, my life isn’t what I thought it would be.
I didn’t want to face the reality that here I am – still uncertain about everything that is going on with my life. Everything is still murky. The future is a faraway blur.
The past two years, I have gone through so much. So much emotions. So much pain. And yet, so much joy, too. I am changed. And yet I remain the same.
Do I like what I have become? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. I am working on it. And today, I decided to brush off the dust, square my shoulders and start to face my reality.
HERE I AM. HERE IS MY REALITY. I am nowhere near my dreams and goals. I am in a non-relationship, and yet I stay in it. I am weirdly happy, but discontented. I am at peace, and yet I get agitated often.
The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night, crying from a bad dream. They were dry, heaving sobs, and I felt unbearably sad. But I have no idea what my dream was about. It dawned on me how sad I can get. How I can manage to go off into the dark, sink into a depression, and just let go. And I knew right then and there, that I had to be honest to myself. I cannot keep on burying this sadness in me. I have to face it head-on. Put it out there, let it go out to the world, so it doesn’t pull me down.
So I decided to go back to my first love: writing. I admit, I have not practiced writing in a while. Sure, I’ve written a short story here and there. A poem or two. But I know that I have lost the HEART in my writing. So, today I decided to take that back. Take back that part of myself that is soft, and tender, and hopeful. I am going to revisit the Me that I have buried so resolutely in the past two years. I will open myself up to the Universe again. I will feel again. I will set myself free again.
So, hang on, dear self. It will be a bumpy ride. It will be painful, it will be abrasive. But in the end, it will also be a rebirth for me. And maybe, just maybe – in the process of rediscovering writing, I will also rediscover myself.