Shaking Things Up

Well. The first quarter of this year has been exciting. There are so many new things going on in my life, and I am constantly on my toes trying to keep up. I’ve finally managed to extricate myself from my job at the agency, and I am now working for a company that deals with FASHION and boy oh boy, I am thrilled beyond words.

THEN, I got a puppy as a birthday gift. WHUT. And I am so in love with the little baby. ❤ It is, of course, a challenge training her and getting used to having someone rely on you, but hopefully things will run smoothly soon. It’s just such a joy coming home to her.

So you see, my life these days is completely different from my days of overtime and ranting and getting mad all the time. What a difference a change of jobs will make. I’ve been more positive lately, less prone to break into tears, and much, much tolerant of life.

I’m just so thankful for all these blessings, I can’t even begin to describe how much gratitude I have right now.

Crossing my fingers that this positive streak continues. 🙂

Advertisements

Hope Floats

Today’s recent events brought me back to 2009, when things were the same yet a whole lot different.

In a very real way, it made me feel a little nostalgic for what once was. I know I never admit to feeling nostalgic for the past, I usually keep that tightly locked inside of me, but this time, I feel that I need to let it out. Let my feelings see the light of day.

In 2009, I was SURE. I was filled with all these tender feelings of Forever. Of Ever After.

Three years later, and things are vastly different. I know for certain now that there is A New One. And it has forced me to get beyond the nostalgia and the what-have-beens.

It is saddening. It is liberating. Most of all, it is making me feel very hopeful. While I mourn for what was once was, and for how RIGHT it seemed in 2009. I look forward to tomorrow, knowing that Love will come back to me. That somehow, somewhere, someone out there is just right for me.

It’s made me feel very optimistic. How ironic that in the midst of a sinking Manila, I found it in my heart to keep Hope afloat.

Changing Perspectives

When The Ex and I broke up, I thought that I had lost a Love. I thought that I had lost a great person in my life. I had wallowed in sorrow and could-have-beens. I was inconsolable.

And then, as my family and friends promised, it got easier.

In a sudden burst of clarity, I shifted my perspectives. It’s NOT a loss, it’s an opportunity gained. If it had to end, it wasn’t Love to begin with. And I emphasize “Love” as the Love found in fairytales and happy endings. Sure, we had a good kind of Love, when we were together. Sure, he’s a great person. But in the end, things just won’t end up the way you expect it to.

This is just Destiny’s way of telling me that I need to rethink my motivations and realign my perspectives.

I’ve learned to realize that it’s not a heartbreak, but a chance to build up genuine emotions. It’s not a let-down, it’s a chance for me to spread my wings and explore. It’s not losing someone special in my life, it’s giving someone amazing a chance to make me happy.

With my new-found set of perspectives, I am now excited to go out into the world and learn to live again.

Some things just won’t change

I thought that with recent events, I would lose my hold on anything light and happy. I remember that I spiraled into this dark place, and I felt that I was a different person altogether. I was so angry. I was so hurt. I was so sad. I really felt that light part of myself fading away.

And then, I chose life.

I know that I am different. I know that I am infinitely different than the Tanya of 5 years ago. Hell, even the Tanya of 5 months ago. I cannot claim to be the same person but I know that I am an improved version. If anything, this has taught me that there really is no point in hating or berating myself. It has taught me that I have a strength that comes from inside of me.

I am thankful that my family and friends have surrounded me with love and acceptance and joy. I’ve reconnected with myself, and I see life again with cheer and joy. Darkness and sadness just doesn’t fit well with me.

Here I am and I am back. I am looking forward to hoping and living and loving again.

I am looking forward to FLYING AGAIN.

Sometimes

You just have to give yourself a chance to be happy again.
Sometimes, you just have to stop blaming yourself for the end of a relationship.
Sometimes, you just have to accept that THINGS HAPPEN. That PEOPLE CHANGE. That LOVE FADES. No matter how happy you were.

Sometimes, you just have to forgive yourself.

I am not there yet. I have so many regrets, so many thoughts, so much anger in my heart. But I won’t let this stop me from being who I want to be. And from reaching my dreams.

In one of our fights, I had a sinking realization that I was losing the “fairytale” mindset when it comes to love. And in hindsight, I realize now that I shouldn’t have. I should have held on to it. This letting go, this Goodbye, is me holding on to fairytales and romance and happy-ever-afters. This is me, learning to hold on to Myself and to what I believe in.

Sometimes, you have to let go of Love, to learn to Love again.

 

Be Grateful

When I get so overwhelmed with life’s stressful moments, Sharkboy never fails to remind me to be thankful.

It’s easy to be thankful when you’re having a great time. You’re on vacation at a beach, you see a gorgeous sunset, it’s easy to breathe a big ‘Thank You.’

But when you’re having a rough week, when nothing seems to go right, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of self-pity and loathing. It could get horribly out of hand. I’ve sometimes lashed out at Sharkboy because of work stress. It is not a pretty sight. Thankfully, he is patient enough to remind me to be grateful. And before I know it, I’m calm and more productive.

Today, I am feeling very blah. Not because life is too hectic, but because it isn’t. Hah.

So, an exercise in gratitude. Here are the things I’m thankful for these days 🙂

  • Family. I don’t even need to expound. Coming home to a loving family after a hard days’ work is the best.
  • Early Mornings. No matter how much I bitch about not getting enough sleep, I look forward to my early mornings. It gives me a headstart. It gets me into the proper mindset for the day.
  • Sharkboy. ❤ I love this boy, seriously. He gets me through the roughest, toughest days. 🙂 It’s the best feeling when you are with your Best Friend.
  • Movies. My escape from life.
  • Books. Oh, to be able to read all-day. That is my ultimate dream.
  • Friends. For the laughter and the fun times.

That’s not even half of what I’m thankful for. I can seriously go on and on with this. I guess I just needed to put this up here as a reminder.

Life is beautiful, when you see it with grateful eyes. ❤