Introspection

It has been two long years since I last wrote anything for this blog. And looking at my personal (handwritten) journal, it has been two years as well since my last entry. Why did I stop writing? Why did I stop spilling out my emotions, not even in private?

It is the start of 2018. And this time, I think I am ready to face the truth.

During my hiatus, I have made excuses in my mind. “I’m too busy. There are just so many things happening. I am adjusting to my new life in my new job.” Etc., etc., etc. But the reality – the hard, cold truth is this: I just wanted to escape. I couldn’t write about my feelings, I couldn’t write about my reality because I did not want to admit that at 30+ years old, my life isn’t what I thought it would be.

I didn’t want to face the reality that here I am – still uncertain about everything that is going on with my life. Everything is still murky. The future is a faraway blur.

The past two years, I have gone through so much. So much emotions. So much pain. And yet, so much joy, too. I am changed. And yet I remain the same.

Do I like what I have become? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. I am working on it. And today, I decided to brush off the dust, square my shoulders and start to face my reality.

HERE I AM. HERE IS MY REALITY. I am nowhere near my dreams and goals. I am in a non-relationship, and yet I stay in it. I am weirdly happy, but discontented. I am at peace, and yet I get agitated often.

The other day, I woke up in the middle of the night, crying from a bad dream. They were dry, heaving sobs, and I felt unbearably sad. But I have no idea what my dream was about. It dawned on me how sad I can get. How I can manage to go off into the dark, sink into a depression, and just let go. And I knew right then and there, that I had to be honest to myself. I cannot keep on burying this sadness in me. I have to face it head-on. Put it out there, let it go out to the world, so it doesn’t pull me down.

So I decided to go back to my first love: writing. I admit, I have not practiced writing in a while. Sure, I’ve written a short story here and there. A poem or two. But I know that I have lost the HEART in my writing. So, today I decided to take that back. Take back that part of myself that is soft, and tender, and hopeful. I am going to revisit the Me that I have buried so resolutely in the past two years. I will open myself up to the Universe again. I will feel again. I will set myself free again.

So, hang on, dear self. It will be a bumpy ride. It will be painful, it will be abrasive. But in the end, it will also be a rebirth for me. And maybe, just maybe – in the process of rediscovering writing, I will also rediscover myself.

 

Plot Twist

Just when you thought you had everything figured out – you get hit out of nowhere with something that you never once thought would be a Truth in your life.

In denial, in shock, all emotions rolled into one.

But still I stay.
Still I love.

There is no way else to be.

The Unknown

Sometimes, you think you’ve seen it all. Sometimes, you think you’ve gone through every possible loving emotion there is. And then a simple gesture, a quiet sentence grabs at you – and you fall all over again – tumbling head over heels, no footholds, just the dizzyingly wondrous journey of falling into the unknown.

Sometimes, you meet a guy who does this for you, and you know. You just know, that yes, maybe, just maybe, Love still exists in this cold, hard world.

Tuesday Thank You’s

Another day, another promise to create more blog entries, and to write in more than just 140-character lines. I think I can start by resurrecting my Tuesday Thank You’s weekly post. I haven’t been as thankful as I want to be, there are so many things to celebrate and be happy for right now. ❤ So, here goes nothing:

1. Friends. For every job switch, I gain a new set of friends. They make insane days bearable, and boring days insane.
2. Words. I have so much love for the written word. I’ve been updating my journal quite regularly. Been motivating myself to write more poetry. How awesome to create something out of random dots in space.
3. Life’s Little Surprises. This needs a proper blog entry, but I need to thank the Universe for always giving me these little surprises that make life so magical.

Let’s start with 3. Honestly, I can’t wait to get started on that entry about life’s little surprises. ❤

So Far So Good

3 months into the year, and it has been magical indeed.
There is something so exhilarating about learning to let go of fears and doubts, and opening yourself up to the possibility of Happiness.

It’s new, it’s scary (very very scary) – but it keeps me alive.

Hello, 2015

The latter part of 2014 was not so good, but 2015 promises to be something interesting at the very least.
I never thought that I could dream again, believe again, hope again. But here I am. Although everything is still up in the air, the promise of something makes every morning a little bit brighter, a little bit more exciting.

This is an adventure, I intend to jump into it with eyes wide shut.

So hello, 2015, be nice to me. Make it magical this year.

Re-birth

A couple of weeks ago, I “celebrated” my Rebirthday. It’s a private date for me, no one’s ever found out about it, but it was the exact date when I had the worst heartbreak of my life.

I used to be this girl who believed in fairy tales and ever afters. I used to believe in destiny and knowing for a fact that someone is meant for you, that you will find that someone who will be your Forever.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m not that girl anymore. Not as naive anymore, not as wide-eyed. I remember wanting to hold on to the idealism, to the romance of it all. But somehow, over the years, it just slipped away. Maybe now, I have more realistic expectations, more grounded dreams.

I know now that Forever does not necessarily have to happen in one lifetime. Maybe, you find The One in your next life, or the life after that. Or maybe you did already, and now you’re just waiting to find him again.

I guess now, there really isn’t any room for that One Epic Love. Maybe that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe all you can hope for is to find that one person you can share the same interests with. Find that one person you have MAD CHEMISTRY with. Find that person who makes you act like a loony in random moments. Maybe you don’t need GRAND gestures, or a life-changing moment. Maybe you just have to find that someone who makes you laugh endlessly.

Maybe you just need to find that person who you know is yours with everything that you are. And knowing that you are his too, with everything that he is.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s more than enough.

My Book and Movie List

So there’s this trend on Facebook right now that asks us to post the Top 10 books / movies / songs that have stayed with you through the years. It’s supposed to be an instinctive exercise – writing down the first things that come to mind. I posted about books, and I want to do movies, too. So since I rarely post on Facebook anyway, I’m just doing it here. 

Here’s my Book List:

1. Love Story by Erich Segal – I think I’ve read this book at least 6 times already. Still gets me everytime.
2. Stardust by Neil Gaiman – Ah, Stardust. ❤
3. American Gods by Neil Gaiman – My first Gaiman read. I loved that I had this feeling of dread while I was reading the book. It was that effective.
4. The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffeneger – I’m a sucker for time traveling and romance and hopeless love.
5. White Oleander by Janet Fitch – I was very very affected by this book. It was a very emotional read for me.
6. Game of Thrones by George RR Martin – I read this AFTER I watched the first season. The worlds that GRRM created — WOW. 
7. Room by Emma Donoghue – Such a unique story, perfectly written.
8. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn – I couldn’t put this book down, I think I read it for 2 straight days (even at work haha)
9. Everyday by David Levithan – HEARTACHE
10. The Book Thief by Markus Zusak – I fell in love with the language, beautifully written. 

So, here goes my MOVIE LIST:

1. Speed – Ah, Keanu Reeves. I can watch this over and over again
2. Ever After – a retelling of Cinderella. It’s just too perfect!
3. Clueless – Every girl’s dream life is embodied by Cher’s life. 
4. Labyrinth – I remember being so scared while watching this. 
5. Hihintayin Kita sa Langit – local movie based on Wuthering Heights. It’s a hauntingly beautiful romance
6. Oculus – the scariest movie I’ve watched so far
7. 12 Years a Slave – I really thought I’d get bored with this movie, but it resonates
8. Pocahontas – I think this was the first time I ever found a Disney character SEXY. I mean, Pocahontas is just hot
9. Splash – And this cemented my desire to be a mermaid
10. Somewhere in Time – Oh God, this is one of the most heartbreaking movies ever

 

 

Survey Time

I haven’t answered a survey in so long! Well here’s a long-ish one.

TEN FACTS
► Name ➔ Tanya
► Birth place ➔ Manila, Philippines
► Hair color ➔ Black / dark brown 
► Age ➔ 31
► Eye Color ➔ dark brown
► Birthday ➔ March 19th
► Gender ➔ Female
► Lefty or Righty ➔ Righty
► Single or taken? ➔ Single
► Happy? ➔ Yes

TEN THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE
► Are you in love ➔ Nope
► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ Yes, but only with puppies and kittens and bunnies
► Who ended your last relationship ➔ Us
► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ I would certainly hope not, because that shit sucks
► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ At present, yes very much so.
► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ No
► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ If yes, he remains a secret! haha
► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ YES
► Do you usually spend Valentine’s Day alone? ➔ No
► Short or long-term relationships? ➔ Long-term

TEN CHOICES
► Love or lust ➔ Love
► Lemonade or iced tea ➔ Lemonade
► Cats or Dogs ➔ Dogs, Cats BOTH
► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ A few best friends
► Television or internet ➔ Internet, hand’s down
► Pepsi or Coke ➔ Coke
► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in
► Day or night ➔ Day
► Text or Call ➔ Text
► Make-up or au naturel? ➔ Make-up

TEN HAVE YOU EVER
► Been caught sneaking out? ➔ No
► Fallen down/up the stairs? ➔ No
► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes
► Prank called a store? ➔ Prank called a dude =p
► Skipped school? ➔ Skipped work!
► Wanted to disappear? ➔ Naw
► Spent all your money? ➔ No
► Met a celebrity? ➔ YES ❤
► Been really ill? ➔ No thank God
► Gotten high? ➔ Is this a trick question

TEN PREFERENCES
► Smile or eyes ➔ Eyes
► Light or dark hair ➔ Dark
► Shorter or taller ➔ Taller
► Intelligence or attraction ➔ Attraction
► Hook-up or relationship ➔ Relationship
► Funny and poor or rich and serious ➔ Humor is super important for me
► Mac or PC? ➔ Mac fangirl here
► Chapstick or lipstick? ➔ Chapstick
► City or country? ➔ both
► Driving or walking? ➔ Walking

LASTS
► Last phone call? ➔ co-worker
► Last song you listened to? ➔ Falling Slowly from the Once OST
► Last thing you ate? ➔ Poptarts
► Last thing you drank? ➔ coffee
► Last place you were? ➔ err home.
► Last picture taken? ➔ Picture I took? A photo of an ad I found in the dailies, and I wanted to diss it (sorrynotsorry)
► Last outfit? ➔ Pajamas
► Last purchase? ➔ food, sometime yesterday
► Last argument/fight? ➔ Wow, I don’t remember. It’s been awhile!

Writing Challenge #2: Something You Feel Strongly About

I’ve said it a million times and I am saying it again: My ultimate dream is to one day see Michael Jordan in the flesh. I would love it if I could see him playing, but since he has retired from the game, then just seeing him, and being near him is more than enough.

Ever since the late 90’s, when he came back from his first retirement, I have been steadily getting passionate about Michael Jordan. I respect him, I am in awe at his character. I remember that I was a writer for my school paper at that time, and I wrote a poem about him. I know, I’m crazy. I don’t even play basketball.

I can point to that moment when I said to myself that Michael Jordan is someone that will mean a lot to me – not because I have met him personally but because of the passion he exudes for the game. That moment is forever known in history as the “flu game”. Battling a very bad stomach flu during Game 5 of the Finals series between the Chicago Bulls and the Utah Jazz, Michael Jordan made the game winning shot to give the Bulls a 3-2 series lead. Jordan was so exhausted after the game, he had to be carried and supported by his team mate and friend, Scottie Pippen. It was an iconic moment, and it defined who Michael Jordan is. Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps. This is a man who absolutely refuses to lose. This is a man who plays with all his heart, no matter what the circumstances. It is classic Jordan, and he will forever be the Greatest Of All Time.

Naturally, since I am not a basketball player, one would think that this adoration for Michael Jordan would not lead to anything. The truth could not be farther from that. Because of Michael Jordan, I learned to strive for what I want. It is not enough to be present, you also have to step up. You have to stop making excuses, you have to stop waiting for the perfect circumstances. You just have to jump in, play the game with all your heart  and WIN – at all costs.